‘Ten Signs you are having a non-awesome date (possibly autobiographical)’ – Hadley Freeman

Since no one marries the girl/boy next door any more, chances are you’ll need a date or two to track down the elusive ‘one’. (Or ‘two’. Or ‘three’. We’re all going to live until we’re at least 110, which is a long time to live with just the one.)

Nothing is more terrifying than first-date nerves: the combination of choosing an appropriate outfit (the leopard-print boots? the sequinned dress? the smoky eyes?), navigating conversational topics and dusting off your best flirtatious behaviour seems to turn the most assured of us into quivering wrecks. You stutter your way through the first fifteen minutes of conversation, grateful for the bar’s low lighting (the sequinned dress was a mistake), until the first few boozy gulps kick in, cranking your dating prowess up a notch. In your dreams.

And then there’s the post-date analytics, which are often more tortuous to the singleton than the date itself. Has your date been awesome or non-awesome? If you’re in any doubt, you may want to check with our author Hadley Freeman:

Ten signs you are having a non-awesome date (possibly autobiographical)

  1. The date ends so early you stop off in Topshop on your way home, slightly drunk and buy a dress.
  2. As you walk into the restaurant for this first date his face falls. ‘Oh,’ he says. ‘I thought you were the other one.’
  3. ‘I don’t mean to sound racist but …’
  4. Somewhere in between the first and second course it transpires that he once slept with your sister.
  5. You turn up, as primped and preened as a shih tzu at Crufts only to realise he not only saw this as just a friendly coffee but brought his girlfriend along to boot.bad-date
  6. ‘I know we just met but I just want to be honest so I’m going to say straight off the bat – I have herpes.’
  7. He starts crying halfway through and you find yourself reassuring him that you’re sure he’ll get back together with his ex-girlfriend as they’re obviously meant to be together (yes, just like Steve Guttenberg does at the beginning of Three Men and a Baby – exactly that. You ARE Steve Guttenberg).
  8. ‘You want to go home now? Man, Jews always leave early, don’t you?’
  9. You have to wash your face when you get home because it is sticky with his slobbery saliva from when he licked your face. Literally, licked your face.
  10. ‘You’re how old and you’re still single? Tick tock tick tock!’

 

Additional words by Kate Tolley

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